Mustache Ride

Right this moment, I'm sporting a full beard that's been growing in since late July or so; but I'm looking forward to trimming the sides soon to craft one of my favorite forms of facial hair: the mustache.

Me, with my fu manchu

I don't know why the nose neighbor ever fell out of fashion. My paternal grandfather sported one for most of his adult life, and I always thought it looked rather dapper.

Grandpa, looking dapper

The mouth brow was extremely popular in this country until the late 1980s, at which point it just kind of became associated with pedophiles and porn stars. But I say that it is high time to bring the tea strainer back as a symbol of male vigor and virility.

That said, there are a number of mustache styles that just don't work for me. Growing and maintaining a quality lady tickler is a tricky thing, and not everyone can pull it off. Below are 5 mustaches that have really grown on me (zing!), and 5 that are just face fungus.

Great Womb Brooms

5. Richard Pryor

Brostache

4. Jason Lee

Bat Wings

3. Hulk Hogan

Brackets

2. Rollie Fingers

Wax and Cocaine

1. Sam Elliott

Tombstache

Mustachio Mistakes

5. Salvador Dali

Pusstache

4. Gene Shalit

Stache of 1000 Nighmares

3. John Waters

Just... ewww

2. Dr. Phil

Bread Mold

1. Hitler

Fuhrer Fur