Mr. Tea

I'm not a huge fan of tea. People around the office (and apparently around the world, considering tea is second only to water in terms of human consumption) are constantly downing the stuff, and it seems that everyone I know loves a tall glass of iced tea in the summertime. But, as for myself, I've never much enjoyed the bitter taste of dirty leaf water.

Maybe I just have a dirt-tea mind.

My beverages of choice tend to be manufactured; not grown. I like soda and energy drinks and other things that will expedite my inevitable shuffling off of this mortal coil.

However, I discovered a while back that there is an exception to my no-tea rule, and it's name is Chai. Upon my discovery of this yummy beverage, I declared that I don't know what "Chai" means, but if it doesn't mean "delicious" then this universe is seriously effed up.

Pictured: Liquid Mmmm-mmmm.

As it turns out, this universe is seriously effed up. In fact, it is even more effed up than I would have guessed.

I finally decided to stop joking about the meaning of the word "Chai", and instead look up the etymology of the word. I simply had to know the answer to that age-old question: why Chai? What could that word mean? Why was it bestowed upon one of the world's most awesome drinks?

According to my primary resource (Wikipedia; also my only resource), "in many Eurasian languages, chai or cha is the word for tea". Yep, that's right: Chai tea is... tea-tea.

Shows her tea-teas at work.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. As good as this stuff is, it really does deserve to be the very definition of tea. It just seems strange to call something a "tea-tea". It's kind of confusing. Do I want a tea? No, I want a tea-tea. Why? Because I don't just like it; I like-like it. 

As if the idea of there being a drink called a "tea tea" wasn't strange enough, it actually gets weirder when you consider that the drink is often served as a Chai Tea Latte.

Wikipedia (that infinite fount of possibly-trustworthy knowledge) tells me that the word "latte" is an Italian word meaning "coffee milk", which means that a Chai Tea Latte is actually a Tea-Tea Coffee-Milk. That would simply seem to be the ingredients list for the beverage, except that there's no fucking coffee in a Tea-Tea Coffee-Milk!

Also frustrating: No coke in Coke.

The actual ingredients in a Chai Tea Latte are strong black tea, rich milk, sweetener and numerous distinctive, fragrant spices such as black pepper (whaaa?), cardamom (your mom!), cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and the herb fennel (whatever that is). In any case, through what I can only assume is some sort of dark voodoo magic, these things somehow combine to form something that tastes like a warm rainbow exploding on your tongue.

Or what I like to refer to as a "mouthgasm".

So I guess the point of this article is that despite the fact that it's a lying liar, prancing around town pretending to be a "tea-tea coffee-milk" when it's really just a (totally effing delicious) tea and milk, Chai Tea Latte is the only tea fit for human consumption. If you haven't had Chai Tea before, you need to try it immediately. It will change your life. Bury all other teas in the ground from whence they came, and where God intended them to stay.

Mustache Ride

Right this moment, I'm sporting a full beard that's been growing in since late July or so; but I'm looking forward to trimming the sides soon to craft one of my favorite forms of facial hair: the mustache.

Me, with my fu manchu

I don't know why the nose neighbor ever fell out of fashion. My paternal grandfather sported one for most of his adult life, and I always thought it looked rather dapper.

Grandpa, looking dapper

The mouth brow was extremely popular in this country until the late 1980s, at which point it just kind of became associated with pedophiles and porn stars. But I say that it is high time to bring the tea strainer back as a symbol of male vigor and virility.

That said, there are a number of mustache styles that just don't work for me. Growing and maintaining a quality lady tickler is a tricky thing, and not everyone can pull it off. Below are 5 mustaches that have really grown on me (zing!), and 5 that are just face fungus.

Great Womb Brooms

5. Richard Pryor

Brostache

4. Jason Lee

Bat Wings

3. Hulk Hogan

Brackets

2. Rollie Fingers

Wax and Cocaine

1. Sam Elliott

Tombstache

Mustachio Mistakes

5. Salvador Dali

Pusstache

4. Gene Shalit

Stache of 1000 Nighmares

3. John Waters

Just... ewww

2. Dr. Phil

Bread Mold

1. Hitler

Fuhrer Fur

Here... have my pride.

Do you donate any portion of your hard-earned income? How do you determine what cause(s) you're going to give some greenbacks to?

When I have it, I'm usually happy to give a few bucks to causes I believe in, organizations who are doing something beneficial in the world, individuals who seem to be down on their luck, chicks willing to show me their boobies, etc. However, no matter how enthusiastic I am about sharing my modest means, it doesn't often spontaneously occur to me to give my money away. Instead, prompting me to open my pocketbook often requires the needy party to make some sort of appeal to me.

These appeals come in many forms. Sometimes it might be a letter coming home from my daughter's school, other times it has been an urban youth selling magazine subscriptions at my doorstep, and it has also often been the bell-ringers outside of the grocery store during the holidays. There have also been a number of occasions when the appeal has come from a direct interaction with a friend who has fallen on hard times.

I also respond well to threats.

Sometimes, however, my means are simply too modest to allow me to responsibly give anything, and that always kind of bums me out. Helping folks out always gives me warm fuzzies inside, and I hate it when I'm unable to give because of my own financial straits. In fact, there are times when I'm in such dire need of additional resources that I really should be the one asking for help from folks; but I tend not to because asking for help isn't nearly as awesome as providing some help.

That said, I find myself experiencing one of those times now; and, thankfully, I have a handful of people in my life who have come to my aid without much of an appeal for help on my part. This helps protect my dignity, but it still makes me feel kind of lousy that I'm in this impoverished place where I'm in need of additional support in the first place.

Well... relatively good looking, anyway.

It is with that in mind that I'm setting my ego aside and making a kind of appeal to you, my family, friends, and fans of my podcast (and, potentially, the other podcasts on my burgeoning network, as well). I'm just going to ask this question as plainly as I know how: Can you help me out?

Building the FASE Media empire is something incredibly important to me. Having the opportunity to make a variety of forms of entertainment available to consumers is something that has long been my passion, and many of you who have known me for any length of time can attest to my well-established history of making various attempts to feed this passion.

So far, everything is going more-or-less according to plan for making FASE Media into what I dream and believe that it has the potential to be. However, one thing I didn't plan for was some issues in my personal life (primarily some health issues that I haven't gone public with yet) that are frustratingly consuming the monetary resources that would otherwise be going towards the building of my dreams.

The prospect of being homeless? Kinda scary.

This is making it difficult for me to continue to meet the month-to-month overhead costs associated with maintaining the pieces of my vision which are already in place, and it is certainly preventing me from moving forward with the next stage of my plan (including two books that are all but ready to go to press).

So what I'm suggesting, and hoping that many of you might respond to, is that those of you who have the means to help will give what you can in one of the following ways:

DONATE:

I'm adding a "Donation" button to the homepage at www.justafase.com. I'm not terribly excited about this idea, so I'm kind of hiding the button at the bottom of the page. It'll be beneath all of the recent news articles on the page, and it'll be small, but it'll be easy to use. Once you find it, just click to donate whatever amount feels comfortable to you. No amount is too small, and large amounts will go a long way towards making me want to touch or lick one of your orifices.

But not that one.

ADVERTISE:

This is the option that makes the most sense to me (and does the least amount of damage to my fragile pride). You can advertise just about anything your little heart desires (your Etsy site, a garage sale, your small business, your band's new project, a Facebook page, a personal dating profile, ANYTHING!) via FASE Media, and you can do it visually (on the website) and/or sonically (via an ad placed before a podcast). It is SUPER CHEAP to place an ad with us -- 4 weeks worth of print or audio ads are only $100, or you can do both for just $150! Not only that, but we will work with you to design and/or script and record your ad for no additional cost!

And I've got a rumbly in my tumbly.

BUY SOMETHING:

Okay, actually THIS option makes the most sense to me. We currently only have one product for sale (Drew Black's terrific album called "Wanderlust"), but more products are on their way. Purchasing a product from the site helps us create even more stuff that you might love, and that's what's going to help this community feed itself. If you are listening to one of our podcasts, reading this blog, enjoying one of our currently available products (or looking forward to a specific future product), or are one of our content creators, then YOU are a part of this happy little community. Give back to it by buying something from us, or from one of our sponsors!

Give me your money, and I will publish a book. That's my final offer.

So that's my pathetic little pitch. It's really hard for me to step outside of my comfort zone and ask for help like this, but my dream for this miniature entertainment hub is more important to me than my pride is, I suppose. If you can think of some other way in which I can help keep things here and/or in my personal life financially afloat while still chasing my dream, I'm open to suggestion. Always feel free to contact me at larryduane@justafase.com.

Thanks for your support, my friends! I couldn't do this without you!

Starting On a Sour Note

My deep-seated desire to be liked, combined with a narcissism that demands that I have some sort of presence in all available forms of media, has inspired me to start this blog as a companion to my weekly podcast ("Not Ready For Radio", available at www.justafase.com).

I intend to post here somewhat regularly, and it will be on this blog that I will provide links and images and whatnot related to the episodes as air, and I will also post personal thoughts and stories from my day-to-day existence on this page, as well.

To that point, I now must ask you to indulge me as I bitch and whine about a couple of pod-related issues real briefly. And I truly will do this in brief fashion, as bitching and whining is really more my girlfriend (and fellow podcaster) Krabby Katie's specialty. In contrast to KK, I tend to internalize my emotions more often than not; however, I need to get a couple of things off of my chest, and I also need something to write about today, so here goes...

Bitch: 
I only invite guests to the show whom I'm pretty confident that I can talk easily with, and whom I think might have an interesting story or two to tell, and/or a unique perspective on things, and/or something cool to promote.

I'm blessed to have roughly 1500 weekly listeners from around the world right now, and my hope is to keep those listeners entertained and engaged for the duration of each episode, so asking you to join me on my show is kind of a big deal to me. I don't typically ask someone to come on out of desperation for someone to talk to or anything like that. If I needed to -- as I occasionally have -- I can fill the length of an episode all by my lonesome. But I tend to try to get someone to join me, because I think I know (or know of) a lot of really effing interesting people, and I think that other people deserve to know (or know of) these individuals, as well. Therefore, it really kind of bugs me when I ask someone to come sit down for a couple of hours to hang out with me and my audience, and they blow me off.

Addressing any of you who have given me the run-around when I've asked you to join me on the mic: I don't mean to sound like an ass or anything, but I'm only asking for two hours of your time because I consider you and your life to be fascinating and awesome; and I don't really understand why you'd want to avoid taking the time to hang out with someone who thinks so highly of you that he wants the world to know you. It's a little frustrating when that happens, my friends.

Whine:
Doing the shows on the FASE Media Podcast Network is not an inexpensive venture, and I'm getting a little bit desperate for some sponsors to help defray some of the overhead costs of doing shows like "Not Ready For Radio", "That Movie Podcast", "Katie Gets Krabby", and "Talking Pictures"; as well as for some additional shows that I hope to add to the network in the not-too-distant future. Sponsoring a show on the network is super inexpensive, and it is an opportunity for sponsors to promote a product or service to thousands of weekly listeners.

I know that some of you out there have an entrepreneurial mind , as I do, and that you run small businesses in addition to your regular day job, and I really can't understand why you're not jumping at the chance to cheaply increase awareness of a venture that you're passionate about (while helping out your good buddy Larry at the same time). The shows we broadcast are consistently gaining new listeners, and FASE Media in general is poised for imminent growth over the coming months with some of the exciting projects in the works. It is a prime moment to reach a wide audience at a ridiculously low cost, and it is a moment that will not last long.

If you'd like to pimp your product or service on one of the shows, please get in touch with me for a rate sheet. I'm very motivated to figure out creative ways in which we can help one another grow our businesses.

End of Rant.

At the end of the day, I have very little to complain about, quite honestly. I am so fortunate and happy that so many people are listening to the fun shows that my friends and I are making together, and I'm very excited about all of the goodness that's coming my way as a result of this little enterprise I started with FASE Media. I owe all of you who listen and are involved in large and small ways a great debt of gratitude. Thanks for being so awesome!

Until next time...